I think it is time to explain why I use the metaphor of a carnival ride to symbolize my current situation. Really I should have used a hamster wheel. You see as a single parent of 4 children with no other help (no child support) I copped out and went from being an underpaid, overworked social worker to working for The Man. I was paid very well, worked harder, longer and paid a higher tax rate than Buffet. In the 6 years since I haven't even made in one year what I used to pay in taxes for a year. [The IRS was not happy about this, still wanting all that money.]
My life was like a merry-go-round. Everyone was happy. My kids, my grandkids, the IRS. As long as I kept going around and around, up and down throwing money at them. My life was a blur, I was dizzy, and very unhappy. Every day I was reminded that I didn't belong in a 'man's shop'. (I'll save that rant for another post.)
So with my degree in one pocket, my journeyman's card in another pocket and Plan C in hand, I really thought it would be OK. I wouldn't have as much money, but hey I never saw it anyway, since I over-generously gave it away. My kids were all out of the house so I only had to worry about me--and the dogs.
I am intelligent, responsible, skilled, drug-free, no criminal activity, reasonably attractive---------everything was not only going to be OK, it was the adventure I always wanted. I could finally be free to pursue my own agenda instead of everyone else's. It was going to be A-OK!
NOT!!!
It was an adventure the first 2 years. Then I went back to MI for a visit. (More on that later) I ran out of money, couldn't find a job and now I do not exist to anyone; not even the government. I am the walking dead and if I would just go quietly away everyone would be happy.
NOT!!!
Me suicidal? Not even close. When my time comes I'll go out kicking and screaming thank you. If you didn't hear me when I was here, you'll damn well hear me leaving.
As divided as politics are between the Republicans and the Democrats, Life seems to be just that polarized for me. There is either slave away for The Man or do nothing. No wonder I'm in trouble I always looked for a 3rd party, independent me. So why on earth would I want to get back on the hamster wheel? I don't. I just haven't figured out my 3rd option yet. Independent me.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Johnny Depp Said So.
I dreamt of Johnny Depp. This for me is weird, I have never dreamt of stars or celebrities, never really idolized any. I read, don't watch tv really and rarely (every few years) go to a movie. I like Johnny but not in a ga ga kind of way. Before I fell asleep I was thinking of a business plan I'd like to develop--a travel venture.
I dreamt I was in France and at an open market. I was talking to these people. One of whom was Johnny. And we're talking like normal people, not movie star Johnny just normal (if there is such a thing) Johnny. We're talking about just everyday stuff and then he tells me.
"Let your hair go gray. It looks funky now because it is partially colored and the gray is peeking out. But let it go all gray. It's hard I know. I mean, I no longer have my 15 year old little-boy face. It just takes time to get used to it."
So I woke up with those words ringing in my ears. You see I used to get professional highlights, lowlights, cut and style every 5 weeks. Every other week I got a mani and pedi. Well the manis and pedis stopped when I lost my job. Then I started coloring my hair at home. Now I can't even afford that. Still unemployed with gray/white hair and an old color job fading and really needing a haircut I wonder if it is my hair that is keeping me unemployed. I'm sick of hearing "overqualified" so often, knowing all along it is a euphemism for over 45. I'm tired of second guessing my lack of employment. Is it my hair? Should I dumb down my resume some more? Did I seem too eager/desperate?
I can't compete with young kids, I don't want to. Frankly I'm tired of the whole thing. I'm tired of being told to dumb down my resume, omit some of my education, lie about my age, accept volunteer positions, work for minimum wage 12 hours a week driving 25 miles one way to get there. During my last interview I was told they really wanted to hire me but I was too smart.
Well guess what!? I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore. I will NOT dumb down my resume. I will NOT apologize for having a wide variety of job skills. I will NOT apologize for having a brain and knowing how to use it. I will NOT pretend I'm some young thing. I will NOT be thankful for a minimum wage part time job offer. I can do math, that pays for the gas to get me there and back and pays Uncle Sam taxes; it doesn't meet my basic needs. I am NOT afraid of hard work, I know I won't make the wages I used to make but I deserve and demand a livable wage dammit!
So why did Johnny tell me to let my hair go completely gray? I have no idea. But I'm glad someone told me it is ok to be me. So my hair is going gray, it is long, I have a Journeyman's card and a couple of degrees. I can make change, I'm honest, drug free with no criminal record. I am intelligent, a hard worker, responsible, competent and I give a damn about things. I can be a good employee. If that isn't good enough well maybe it is time for me to go into business for myself. Anyway, Johnny said so.
I dreamt I was in France and at an open market. I was talking to these people. One of whom was Johnny. And we're talking like normal people, not movie star Johnny just normal (if there is such a thing) Johnny. We're talking about just everyday stuff and then he tells me.
"Let your hair go gray. It looks funky now because it is partially colored and the gray is peeking out. But let it go all gray. It's hard I know. I mean, I no longer have my 15 year old little-boy face. It just takes time to get used to it."
So I woke up with those words ringing in my ears. You see I used to get professional highlights, lowlights, cut and style every 5 weeks. Every other week I got a mani and pedi. Well the manis and pedis stopped when I lost my job. Then I started coloring my hair at home. Now I can't even afford that. Still unemployed with gray/white hair and an old color job fading and really needing a haircut I wonder if it is my hair that is keeping me unemployed. I'm sick of hearing "overqualified" so often, knowing all along it is a euphemism for over 45. I'm tired of second guessing my lack of employment. Is it my hair? Should I dumb down my resume some more? Did I seem too eager/desperate?
I can't compete with young kids, I don't want to. Frankly I'm tired of the whole thing. I'm tired of being told to dumb down my resume, omit some of my education, lie about my age, accept volunteer positions, work for minimum wage 12 hours a week driving 25 miles one way to get there. During my last interview I was told they really wanted to hire me but I was too smart.
Well guess what!? I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore. I will NOT dumb down my resume. I will NOT apologize for having a wide variety of job skills. I will NOT apologize for having a brain and knowing how to use it. I will NOT pretend I'm some young thing. I will NOT be thankful for a minimum wage part time job offer. I can do math, that pays for the gas to get me there and back and pays Uncle Sam taxes; it doesn't meet my basic needs. I am NOT afraid of hard work, I know I won't make the wages I used to make but I deserve and demand a livable wage dammit!
So why did Johnny tell me to let my hair go completely gray? I have no idea. But I'm glad someone told me it is ok to be me. So my hair is going gray, it is long, I have a Journeyman's card and a couple of degrees. I can make change, I'm honest, drug free with no criminal record. I am intelligent, a hard worker, responsible, competent and I give a damn about things. I can be a good employee. If that isn't good enough well maybe it is time for me to go into business for myself. Anyway, Johnny said so.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)